I strongly feel that one of the most common
things a novice dominant and submissive in our particular subculture questions
usually regards the concept of pain and punishment.
I realize that this information is old
hat for many of us experienced lifestylers, however, it does not hurt
us to remember our roots.
This post is primarily for novice lifestylers
making their initial foray into a complex, challenging subculture.
Much of this confusion is rooted in the
combination of various groups found within our lifestyle into one large group,
commonly known by its distinctive acronym, BDSM.
I suggest that breaking it down into the
following categories of BD, D/s, and SM, will provide some
clarity on things.
BD, which stands for bondage and discipline, does not pose
much of a mystery here.
This particular acronym is sometimes used
interchangeably with SM (Sadomasochism) but more strictly
referring to practices involving bondage, role-playing, or humiliation with
little or no pain.
Sometimes thought to stand for bondage and
domination with remnants of D/s (Dominance and Submission).
BD does not require its participants to be dominant or
submissive by nature, but only that they assume that role for the duration of
the activity.
I feel that many folks who enjoy bondage have
little or no interest in submission in other areas of their lives.
Discipline can involve submissive behavior on a more elevated level
and require a deeper understanding of the power exchange between a top and
bottom, but again, it can exist without the inclusion of any other area of
existence.
People who enjoy bondage and discipline often
have no need or desire to go beyond what it takes for immediate gratification
of their physical or mental needs during scenes.
The motivation for this particular acronym is
the need for physical bondage or punishment, or to be administering this
action. In other words, the bottom enjoys being bound and disciplined and the
top likes to do the bondage and administer the corporal punishment.
Most of the appeal with BD is
visual and sensual, as well as, arousing the feelings of power and
helplessness.
There is a power exchange that occurs and
meets the requirements of the persons involved, but there is an implication
that the power exchange is forced.
The bottom may feel very submissive when bound
or during punishment but have no need to submit once the session has ended.
Essentially, this is a scene-dependent
activity and not a lifestyle.
D/s, which stands for domination and submission, is a
combination of terms that describe the persons or activities found in a power
exchange.
A dominant is the person in
charge, the recipient of the power surrendered by another person.
A submissive is the person
who surrenders, the person being controlled in the exchange of power.
I believe that a D/s relationship can
be described as a bond in which the power exchange is a major dynamic.
Unlike abusive relationships,
however, D/s relationships are negotiated arrangements which
meet the psychological, sexual, and social needs of the persons involved.
The nature of each dominant-submissive relationship
is unique, because the manner in which the power relationship is understood and
practiced is a very personal matter.
This can make such a relationship more
difficult to understand, but it also allows those involved in a D/s
relationship the flexibility to design a bond that is tailored to fit their
specific needs and desires.
This type of relationship dynamic is not
dependent upon on pain, implements, or physical activities; although, these
things sometimes are incorporated into the individual relationships.
Dominant and submissive characteristics are
natural in some folks and follow the guidelines of many other species in the
animal kingdom.
Wolves and primates are acting examples of
this.
The power exchange takes place on an
intellectual or psychological level, with the submissive deferring to the
dominant in the decision-making process.
How far this goes is dependent on the
individual's level of trust and need. I submit that the motivation is this
relationship aspect is totally based on a power exchange between the dominant
and submissive. It can exist without pain, scenes, or specified activities.
The willing submission of personal power by
the submissive is key here.
There is no need to force it or offer sexual
gratification in order to stimulate those feelings of submission.
The dominant is motivated by
the desire to control and accept the submission of power from the submissive.
The submissive is motivated
by a desire to please and submit to the dominant.
The D/s relationship is based
on a psychological interaction far more than a physical one. It is not
dependent on physical activities or scenes, and is best defined as a lifestyle
rather than something we just do.
SM, which stands for sadomasochism or sadist and
masochist, is another complex issue that involves a power exchange
between people who are tops and bottoms or dominants and subs.
I know that the characteristic that defines
this particular acronym is their need to give and receive pain.
While other groups may use erotic pain as part
of their interpersonal relations, the true sadomasochists go beyond using it as
an enhancement and it becomes the basis for foreplay and sexual gratification.
Sadomasochism is a highly physical exchange of power
and it could be considered abusive by some if it were not for the consensual
nature of the activities.
Sadists and masochists are not necessarily
submissive or dominant.
Many times they hold equal power within in a
relationship but are dependent upon pain, giving or receiving, for stimulation
or satisfaction.
Only during a session might one assume a
position of power while the other submits to his or her partner's lead. Once
the gratification has been achieved, they will likely resume their roles as
equal partners and share in the decision-making process.
On the other hand, some of the most severe and
demanding of the relationships are those between sadists and masochists.
Body markings, extreme humiliation, and
frequent corporate punishment are part and parcel to this particular acronym.
I know that the lifestyle depicted in many
fictional works closely resemble these types of sadomasochistic relationships.
Masochists frequently wear their marks as testament to their status.
While it can be a very intense existence, for
the right couple it can offer its own rewards.
The motivating factor here is pain that leads
to sexual arousal and gratification.
Whether it is on the giving or receiving end,
pain and sexual gratification are the nucleus of this complex relationship.
I feel that there are SM partnerships
that do not move beyond fulfilling this requirement and are immensely satisfied
with the arrangement.
Once the need to give or receive pain has
ended, the power exchange ends and they discover little or no need for the more
defined roles as top and bottom or dominant and submissive. Again, this tends
to be scene-dependent or activity-dependent and not so much a lifestyle.
I believe that the inclusion of sadomasochism
into the realm of BDSM has had a tendency to make unclear many
issues in our particular subculture as a whole.
One of our basic codes of ethics is the Safe,
Sane, and Consensual Creed (SSC), and yet by its very
definition, sadism is not necessarily consensual.
Sadism is denoted as an individual who enjoys causing pain in a
non-consensual manner, or regardless of the presence or absence of consent.
Like many other things in our lifestyle, we
have allowed the glorification of the written word and literary offerings to
become ingrained as fact ina lifestyle that did not originally
commence in this fashion .
A famous psychologist defined sadism as
the experience of sexual pleasurable sensations, including orgasm,
produced by acts of cruelty, bodily punishment inflicted on one's own
person or when witnessed by others, be they animal or human beings.
It may also consist of an innate desire to humiliate,
hurt, wound, or even destroy others, thereby, to create sexual
pleasure in oneself.
I have no doubt that the vast majority of
sadomasochists are far from what the truest definition of this particular title
indicates.
In order for SM to become acceptable or to
include it as an activity within a power exchange relationship or encounter,
there had to be a restructuring of the terms that defined it.
I know that this restructuring demanded that
any pain administered must be consensual and not damaging to the mind, body, or
emotions of the recipient If one likes pain on either end of the spectrum.
There is no reason that one should not feel
free to pursue a lifestyle that uses it to fulfill one's needs, as long as it
falls in the parameters of the Safe, Sane, and Consensual Creed (SSC) and does
not land one in the local correctional facility, hospital, or psychiatric ward.
~B
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