Lifestyle Responsibility!

After seeing so many posts about abusers and people getting raw deals in various scenes with different partners, and all the horror stories, I have decided to make a note about my personal feeling on as much of the subject as possible.

Initially, as much as it pains me to say, victims are not always completely innocent, and by that I mean, they do have some responsibility to properly vet their scene partners and choices, however, that does not mean that I am saying they are at fault when shit goes sideways, but doing some background checking on potential play partners can and does help to avoid those issues in the first place.

There are more risks than just sexually-transmitted diseases (STD's), when it comes to our lifestyle or subculture, and proper dominants and subs should know how to size each other up; both should have equal responsibility to each other, as well as the rest of our community to make sure everything is done correctly and as safely as possible, anyone who thinks differently cannot call themselves a dominant or sub, as far as I am concerned.

Speaking of dominance, saying you are dominant is not an excuse, or a license to be a controlling asshole, and he or she also has a responsibility to provide a positive experience to the other people involved in the scene.

Your responsibilities include, but are not limited to; Scene planning, helping to establish limits, respecting limits and safe-words, continued observation of vocal and physical cues from the sub(s), and proper aftercare, however, with this last responsibility, there are some exceptions, as some folks will not need or want aftercare, given strong sadistic and/or masochistic tendencies.

However, on the flip-side, subs are equally responsible for also helping to set the scene, voicing their expectations and limits, using the safe-words and signals at appropriate times, and making sure they participate in the aftercare that can also be needed for dominants, with the exceptions for aftercare being optional as I listed in directly above this paragraph.

We need to educate our own, new and experienced, in these truths. We as a community need to continue to police our own and promote safety and responsibility for our actions, because trust me, if we cannot effectively monitor our own, I am certain that there will bureaucrats and others that will gladly do it for us, and I guarantee, we will not like it.

It is true in most of the places we live, some of what we practice is technically illegal, so we really need to keep our own in check so more legislation does not get introduced, and current laws are not enforced to more extent, effectively shutting down a lot of venues in our community.

As far as the legal community, we also need to keep an eye on them, and if we are involved professionally in those sectors, we need to make sure we are promoting equal justice for true victims of abuse and violence when those instances inevitably arise. I am sure we have attorneys, law enforcement, and medical professionals who are scene- friendly or involved in the community.

Help us all out by educating your fellow professionals and advocating for equal rights no matter what path those who report follow.

To the victims, please be honest, vigil, and concise when reporting crimes, both to the community and the law, as you have every right to face those who accosted you, and demand justice both from us and in a legal sense, however, just make sure you are being completely honest and upfront with the information.

I am not calling anyone out, or trying to downplay anyone's pain, but there are people who will consent, then go back on it and claim abuse just for the attention, among other reasons, as we do not need people crying wolf in our community; it is a stain on all our reputations. It is so damn easy to become wrapped up in our own self-importance with our desires, needs, etc., that when the BDSM House of Cards possibly comes crashing down, many of us will not see it coming.

Lastly, I will say one thing about personal accountability and/or responsibility, I agree it is something we should all strive to have, however, tons of folks easily invoke it, but very few actually live by it.

This is just my opinions, and I do hope many others share them as well.

Source: Unknown;

NOTE: I did edit and add some of my own opinions in this piece.