Conflict: The Ultimate Act of Intimacy

Pondering about how intimacy and bonding is molded by sharing vulnerable feelings brings us to perhaps the ultimate act of intimacy: conflict.

Many folks believe that fighting between partners is to be avoided at all costs, but even most licensed therapists would disagree.

Battles between partners appear to be a universal experience; not many people actually enjoy them, but they seem to be necessary, a constructive element in the building of solid relationships.

Only by conflict can partners struggle with their disagreements and express their most heartfelt feelings.

There has to be a way to communicate anger in an interpersonal relationship, and there has to be a way to battle with disagreements.

How many times have we had a bitter argument with our partner, and when it was over, felt closer than we had before?

So the issue really is not to dread fighting but learning to battle in ways that are not destructive: physically, morally, or emotionally.

A good fight is very different from abuse, in a good, clean battle, there is respect for safety and mutuality so that both people get to express their feelings at full volume, and come out the other end stronger and closer than before, bonded by fire, as it were.

A good battle starts with the understanding that in order for a fight to be successful, both people have to win.

If one person wins the battle and the other loses, the problem causing the conflict has not been resolved.

It is naive to imagine that the person who lost has given up their interest in whatever issue is at stake.

And when they feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, they will be resentful, and the problem will go on being a problem.

The only real way to win is to come to a solution where all parties concerned feel that they have won.

So in a good, clean fight, everybody's feelings get heard and considered, and the solutions are decided on by agreement, not bullying.

Author: Unknown