Common Sense & The Power-Exchange

" When two people fall madly, head-over-heels for each other, the first thing to go, is common sense."

The bottom line to success in a power-exchange, or perhaps any relationship dynamic, is the same as any, common sense.

Common sense means you think and apply logic to all you see and/or hear, and It means you think, and question again; then again, you trust your gut feelings; all of that is what common sense is.

A submissive has to remember that he or she is an individual with rights, a mind, and they must use it.

A Dominant has to remember the same thing about himself or herself, as well as the submissive, as a woman's or man's submission and respect is not owed to just any man or woman claiming to be a Dominant.

If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced the power-exchange, you are not a dominant. but, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way; since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination required to take control from a submissive.

As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth required in total surrender of all control and power with a Dominant, you are not ready to take this on without learning the basics first.

Here are a few baby steps you must take without skipping to a first meet and session:

1. Ask yourself and expect to be asked by many experienced people delving questions such as:

What do you expect to get from a power-exchange or BDSM?

What draws you to it?

Why do you feel you can only fulfill your needs in a power-exchange relationship?

You cannot possibly know what you want from another until you know what you wish to experience within yourself.

2. The next is to learn as much as possible about the choices opening up to you with BDSM, and you can ask a thousand people within the community and they will give you a different answer for each question.

3. You will learn one universal truth, each couple creates their own definition of power-exchange and the roles they hold within their particular relationship, and do not be afraid to search for a partner who shares your views, values and philosophy of the power-exchange dynamic.

4. Never settle for less than what you know you want.

You will encounter websites and e-mails telling you how to tell if you are a dominant or a submissive, however, no one can tell you what you are, because there are no easy answers and you should run from anyone who professes to know what you are or that they have the only definition of D/s.

You must decide for yourself if you are drawn to physical sensation to the point of extreme edge play, or if you just want to play Tarzan and Jane, you must learn for yourself the differences between a sadist, masochist, Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, top, bottom, and where your needs fit into these options, and yes, there is a very large difference between them all.

There are two (2) kinds of people you must learn to weed through out of the legitimate men and women you will meet:

Predators and wannabes – These cancers of our society are in all the chat rooms, and they have found the Internet to be a happy hunting ground for the gullible and lonely.

Power-exchange is not the only areas you find them, but they are here and have picked up on just enough of the lingo to try to pass for legitimate, experienced lifestyle individuals.

They want to meet you ASAP, and often commit rape, assault, battery and extortion with the belief you will have trouble prosecuting a man or woman you agreed to meet in a hotel or gave all your information.

If you are married, you are vulnerable as well to extortion and the like.

A sadist, in the purist form, who has not grasped the idea of consensual play, may hide under this also.

These folks also hang out in play clubs looking for an easy mark, it never changes, and many of these people (both male and female) are often pathological liars who live on the Internet spinning fantasies of their experience, their love for the woman who speaks to them and basically everything to keep you hanging.

The end result is they often disappear after leading the person on for months or meet her and have sex (get sex as part of your submission), and then things fall apart afterward.

Some feel they are harmless since all they do is lead you on with cyber sex and online D/s, and these same people role play in rooms where they cyber whip and subs pour ale for their Masters or Mistresses.

They often have profiles that sound like a passage from Dungeons&Dragons or Gor chronicles, and pretty much all they know of D/S is what they have read in books and played online.

In R/T, many of these folks answer ads or run ads, and often just are out to get sex from women they think are easy marks.

How do you avoid them?

First thing are the warning signs:

1. Instant messages from strangers – No self respecting, experienced dominant or submissive would PM you without ever having established some rapport in a chat room.

Predators, Wannabes and bored jerks are the ones who PM you in an attempt to talk. They find you three ways:

One, they just hit the who’s chatting button for a room and then PM anyone they think is a submissive (many are too lame to read your profile).

Two, they PM you from inside the chat room after they figure out who you are.

Three, they do an advanced search for any and all people online with the key words “submissive,” “D/s,” “Surrender,” etc.

2. Call Me Sir! – No experienced Dominant or master will tell you to call him or her "Master, Mistress, Sir, or Lord" without having met you and established a power-exchange relationship.

Too many in the lifestyle community, this is equivalent to calling a man or woman you met online, Husband or wife, and it is a position of respect and commitment not to be thrown around lightly.

If you are talking to someone who is encouraging this title use and you have not met them in person and covered basics, you are with a wannabe.

3. Online collaring and/or assignments – Try to imagine an e-mail sent out by a “Dominant” who gives assignments to his or her “sub” each day with the comment that “one day, they will meet.”

His or her contention is that if a woman does this or is attracted to doing these assignments, she is a submissive if not?

Author: Unknown