Our journeys are diversified, but our paths
have led us to experience and learn a great deal of information and knowledge
about a lot of the various aspects of the lifestyle.
However, it is also important to note that
even with all of this experience and knowledge, we are not experts. We are not
degree holders in psychology or human behavior, nor have the bulk of folks
written any books or workshops.
We do want to share with all of you what
tidbits of knowledge and experiences we have seen, read about and gone through
so that it may offer a different ideas and approaches of how to navigate around
our life's choice.
It is also important to note that there is no
right or wrong way in handling much of the issues and situations we are going
to examine.
As the caveat goes "your mileage
will vary" and some of these ideas may or may not work for you.
Whatever decision(s) you make, it ultimately
boils down to how you live your life within reality. It truly does not matter
one iota which line you subscribe to as long as that you are candid with
yourself and those that are affected by the decisions you make.
Also, it many be inadvertently mentioned D/s
by itself, or mention M/s by itself. In no way, shape or form is it being
suggested that the things being covering are geared only for master-slaves or
for dominant-subs. So, if it is accidentally inferred about D/s and don't
mention M/s, it is not intentional.
Moreover, there may be some accidental gender
confusion in some analogies and analysis. It is not an attempt to implicate or
suggest that there can be male dominants and female subs only. Much of what has
been collaborated on here has been written from different perspectives, so if
there is refer to "her Dominant" it is not meant to leave out all of
the male subs or anyone else that was not covered in a particular comment.
Life comes with bills, the flu, dishes, and
laundry, getting the car serviced, taking the trash out, going to work and so
much more. Plus then add in kids if you have them and then you have less time.
Everything keeps going no matter if you are in
a D/s relationship. It means there is no 24/7 bondage, SM, or sex. It means
living life the best we can do and trying to add in things to keep that focus
of the power-exchange.
It is keeping it real within reality.
I think there are those who think that when
you are in a D/s or master-slave relationship it is all about sex and BDSM.
As we realize, we live in the real world and
we make our lives fit within reality of the world or it will makes us fit in
it.
The subculture is not as sexy as the fiction
makes it out to be.
The only thing that is needed for a
master-slave relationship is the power-exchange. In that relationship he or she
controls and he or she serves and obey.
That is all that is required, and those things
can fit in anyone's life, even with bills, projects, or kids.
Some folks feel that vanilla quicksand that
they have to start their D/s relationship all over, or that they are being
vanilla.
A number of people look at their lifestyle and
just see the toilet overflowing, the stack of dishes, the pile of book bags and
the laundry heaping up.
They think we are not doing BDSM because of
all that vanilla stuff. Instead of looking at it that way,
look at the foundation, the power exchange and see that the D/s is still there
or it can still be there without BDSM.
By no means are we saying to take out the
bondage or we do not need it, however, ensure the foundation of the power
exchange is existing.
A huge mistake some folks make is separating
D/s and non-D/s activities such as daily vanilla life.
They tend to say, "Well our life
is too vanilla" or "We were just so vanilla
yesterday."
Dominants: What I want you to ponder is:
Do you still have the desire to control and
have the power in your relationship?
When in a vanilla setting would your
submissive obey a command. I am not necessarily talking about telling the sub
strip down at your local PTA Meeting, however, how about being in a mall
shopping and commanding her to try something on for you, or just even stopping
and telling him or her to kiss in the grocery store.
These seem like vanilla things, but it is not
if the power exchange is in the relationship foundation. The question becomes
this:
Do you have the power and control in all
situations, vanilla or not?
Subs: What I want you to think about is:
Do you have the desire to serve and please even
in vanilla situations?
Do you defer to your dominant in vanilla
settings as well as private?
Would you obey and serve in a vanilla setting?
Also, do you have protocols or rituals that go
beyond a private setting?
If you have protocols and rituals, then you
have those always too, no matter if in a D/s setting or non-D/s setting.
Those things do not go away just because we
are in a vanilla setting.
They are a part of the power-exchange, so in
essence, a part of who we are always.
Why separate non-D/s or vanilla activities and
D/s activities because they are there all the time even if not overtly
dominating or overtly submitting?
I have no clue who wrote this quote, however,
it really sums this up well:
"The goal should be to incorporate your
dominance and her submission seamlessly into your lifestyle. It should be
intertwined so that just about anything you and your sub/slave do together
could be construed as D/s. In other words, don't complicate your lives by
categorizing aspects and activities into "D/s activities" and
"non-D/s" activities."
*********************************************
We all have to start somewhere.
We are searching for that relationship that
will fulfill those power-exchange desires.
How do you start?
Honesty is the basis of every relationship. We are not talking
about just honesty with each other, but honesty with yourself.
We need to be honest with what we are looking
for in a potential partner as well as our individual needs and wants. In adding
to that list of needs and wants, it is rather essential to figure out the
things that you are willing to compromise on, and to list those things that
won't budge for anyone one, anytime soon.
Honesty is needed when a date, meeting, or even the start of a
relationship does not feel quite right.
Honesty is needed about vanilla compatibility, as well as BDSM
desires.
There can be that phase of meeting someone and
everything seems so great, but really, it was common sense surging
through the body and making an exit that makes our feet float off the ground.
Please make sure you come down and keep
grounded so that you can keep focused on your needs and desires for a long-term
relationship, and not just in those beginning moments of pleasure and sweet
anticipation.
Compatibility to us is critical in making a
relationship work. Before getting into a M/s or D/s relationship, think about
if you are compatible without the BDSM and sex.
We say that because we have seen so many
relationships fizzle when life gets in the way (flu, bills, work, and kids).
You need to be able to get along and want more then the SM and sex.
We do not mean that you should just make sure
you are compatible via BDSM checklists and essays out there.
Measuring compatibility should not stop at
just those thing, it should be taken into all areas of life.
Do you like the same movies?What are you
political views?Do you want kids?
How do they handle crises?
Like, when a submissive is gagged and tied to
the bed when something unexpected or planned happens? (i.e. asthma attack,
unexpected parental visit, landlord barges in to let the maintenance people in)
Are they going to freak out?
What if one partner is in a car accident, what
arrangements are there?**
How does your prospective mate handle the
domestic responsibilities like when the hot water heater breaks?
These questions are not exclusive for just
subs or dominants. These are issues that will affect both parties if they are
not already considering them.
Then there are the long term considerations
that need to be discussed.
What arrangements are there for life
insurance?What will be the medical and financial responsibilities of both
people?What about career goals or kids from previous relationships?
Just as we would in a vanilla setting, all
these issues need to be discussed before entering a power-exchange
relationship.
Now you have found out you are compatible it
does not stop there.
Then comes the planning and
structuring of your life together long term.
Do you want marriage down the road or would
you prefer to be single but in a committed relationship?
Do you want kids?
Who is responsible for debts when you enter
this relationship?
Will money be merged?
Do new wills and life insurance policies need
to be taken out?
Who is responsible for laundry?
Who is responsible for mowing the lawn?
Who is responsible for making sure auntie gets
a birthday card?
What happens if there is a long-term illness?
Whether these things are just discussed or
negotiated out in a contract, they are important to the relationships long-term
health.
While these are all real-life issues that come
up despite any BDSM or power-exchange involvement, they need to be addressed
early on in the relationship to ensure that both people are in agreement with
the potential direction the relationship is heading.
When entering a relationship, expectations should
be realistic. As much as we all love to live life according to some book or
movie we have read or watched, or some online scenario, we also have to take
the expectation and make it reality
Exactly, how many of our fantasies can be
converted to our realities largely depends on our individual situations.
While some of us may be able to wear fetish
wear on a daily basis, those that stay at home with kids could not.
When things are not going exactly as we had
hoped, we talk about it and we look at where we think we can improve, and do
our utmost to make it happen.
Whenever you read the story online or in a
book, it is imperative to remind yourself that it is not really healthy to
attempt to become the person on the typewriter or computer. Just as it's really
not healthy to attempt to become just like Superman, the same
belief applies here:
Do not measure your relationship against
others, online or daily life. We have found the majority of people you find
fall into the wishful-thinking category.
Attempting to hold up your relationship to
someone else's fantasy could be the death toll to what could be the start of a
good relationship.
Timing means everything, and based on our
experiences, we believe the best policy is to start out going slow.
Some folks get frustrated because they go so
slowly in their relationship. They want everything now, but they also see that
how they are building a relationship with a strong foundation.
Some people just take the driver's seat and do
what they wants when they wish.
Sometimes of course, bills and work come
before play, and sometimes sending his partner to go clean the bathroom comes
before having sex with him.
As a sub, she needs to just sit back and
quietly allow him to be in the driver's seat. Even though a submissive may be
more experienced in the world of BDSM and the power-exchange than the dominant,
ultimately, that really does not matter.
What matters is that she hand control over to
him and submit to him in all the ways he wants.
Submission and letting go can be hard, but if
you can do it, your relationship will start to grow. If you do not let go, your
relationship will be a constant power struggle, as opposed to an
power-exchange, or it may even grow stagnant.
Relationships grow and evolve and the new
relationship energy fades, and you get into the stage were you need to work a
little harder to keep things working how you want them.
In the beginning of a power-exchange
relationship, play is a big focus, and you both want to experience it all and
right away.
It can be like having a shopping list and
desperately trying to get everything on the list as often as possible.
As the relationship progresses and you get
more shared experiences life tends to join the mix and the PE (power-exchange)
side can become less focused.
If you put the PE into the foundation of your
relationship and life mixes then you will have fewer problems getting back on
track.
For some, play is not as important as the
control aspects.
The play can slide and wane a little as long
as the control is there because that helps the sub remember her place and her
desire to serve and please.
Conflict resolution is another tough area that all of us
tackle.
The integration of our lifestyle relationships
does not minimize the opportunity for having normal, relationship conflicts.
While there are entire sessions devoted just
to conflict resolution in the lifestyle, the big thing to remember is that we
are still dealing with reality.
Feelings get hurt, angry words get said,
tempers flare and that is just the usual things.
The main point we want to get across is even
when the temper comes out, and the emotions are frayed, in the final analysis,
both the dominant and submissive will at some point realize that things need to
be brought to a conclusion so that the relationship can continue to go forward.
Keeping ill feelings or rehashing old fights
do not promote progress.
If an issue remains unresolved, then it
becomes the responsibility of both people to figure out how to work on it and
move forward.
It is not all about the dominant making the
rules and never being wrong. No matter how experienced, how knowledgeable, or
worldly a submissive or a dominant is, the bottom line is that we are all
human.
We are all equally capable of making mistakes,
regardless of what end of the lifestyle spectrum we happen to be.
Does this mean that the submissive should not
submit when they know that their dominant is wrong?
That answer falls to the nature of your
relationship.
Some dominants believe that it is their
way, no matter what, which is just as valid as the dominant who sees
it differently and believes that the compilation of wrongs never make a
right.
Humanity dictates that we all can be wrong,
therefore, it is okay to be wrong; as long as both of you want the same thing
from each other, then ego should not matter.
Resolving the conflict for the sake of the
health of the relationship is far more important than taking an ego bruising.
There are some major areas of consideration that
should be given during the lifespan of PE relationships to keep things grounded
in reality:
Consider how each person will enhance the
other's life.
Consider taking care of each other, in all
areas such as health, finances, careers, and children.
Consider looking and thinking ahead to your
long term goals for the relationships often.
Consider that both dominant and submissive are
acting responsibly in the relationship to each other.
Creating a long-term relationship.
*****************************************************
PROTOCOLS AND RITUALS
Michael: A process protocols and rituals have allowed us to enhance
our M/s foundation. These protocols and rituals can be as innocuous as the way
danae sits next to me as extensive her daily wardrobe.
For us protocol means standard procedure that
becomes a learned behavior and habit. It might have consequences set with it.
Such as if the submissive is suppose to ask permission to go to bed, but does
not then there is discipline administered. Rituals are typically ceremonial
based and do not need to be consistent or occur on a regular basis.
Where rituals are more of a spiritual mindset
or intimate in enhancing the D/s bond, protocols are based on learned behavior
where the act or mindset is automatic.
The key is to find a set of protocols and
rituals that can work - as everyone's tastes, likes/dislikes are all subject to
change from one individual to the next. There are varied degrees in which to
conduct protocols and rituals from the basic to the incredibly high protocol where
you almost have to ask permission to breathe.
As with everything in the lifestyle, some of
these ideas may or may not work for you. The level of
"micro-management" or just "management" can be controlled
and be completely unique. Each Dominant has their personal tastes and
preferences - so it only makes sense to personalize the combination of
protocols and rituals being applied to your relationship.
Danae: I don't even consider the protocols we have in our life
anymore because they are just a part of my life. I don't have to think about
them they are just a part of who I am…and so it at times can seem very vanilla
from the outside because it is seamless.
I think what is helpful in making the D/s fit
into the real world is establishing adaptable protocols and rituals instead of
specific rules. It gives more flexibility and does not put such a strain on
your relationship. We have all see the 101 rules of a slave; (actually it's now
up to 128 basic rules.) Now do you know any Dominant that really wants to remember
101 rules? And what if rule 29 does not work in our relationship…then what?
They are impractical and part of a fantasy based D/s relationship.
Consensual M/s and D/s relationships aren't
about forcing a bunch of rules. Because given enough time almost anyone will
obey if forced. Consensual M/s and D/s relationships are about making the
Dominants will your will. It is about wanting to serve and please that person
that it aches inside when you don't. It is about obeying because you want and
need too.
Michael: Even right this minute, Danae, is in a level of protocol
that we do day in and day out. I happen to be hearing impaired on one side - so
if I were to hear her, she needs to be on my right side. Consequently, whenever
we walk somewhere, she's always on my right side, half a step back - that way,
even if she turns her head, I'm more likely to hear what she's saying. So from
a practical standpoint - it's something that was not just necessary, but by
itself, it became a protocol that she follows for me.
While you may be sitting there thinking
"gawd, it's so vanilla, yeah, so what??" That's precisely the point.
The way she walks, the way she sits are all rendered completely invisible by
the vanilla masses outside this room. That's the point we want to make - is
that protocol can be invisible, yet the meaning is clear and obvious to those
who know about it or see it first hand.
Danae: Some protocols and rituals enhance our relationship:
Eating
When out to eat - Master orders for me. We
have found that since we do this all the time even around vanilla friends and
family they just learn to know this is just part what we like or who we
are…that my "significant other" knows me so well that he just orders
for me. I usually don't even open a menu.
I don't eat until Master gives me permission
and often that permission is just a nod of the head after we sit down to eat or
if out at a restaurant after I am served. I will in the presence of others at
times get my napkin situated or take a drink until he gives me permission with
that nod.
That protocol started differently at first.
When we first started eating protocols, I just needed to wait until Master
began eating. Then I was able to eat. That also went very unnoticed by vanilla
friends and family.
If we are at a restaurant, sometimes he will
push his coffee mug over to me and signal me to get him more - prepared the way
he likes it (of course).
When I serve Master his meal, I serve Him
first before getting my plate together. I also always give my Master the best
piece of meat, the bigger baked potato and so on.
My eating and food intact at times is
controlled. At times, I need permission to eat anything. That works for us
because Master has a job where it will not disturb him if I need to call to
have a snack or lunch (on the rare days he is not coming home for lunch too). I
have to always call and ask permission to have a diet coke as it was an
addiction in the past and Master has slowly weaned me off of them.
Michael: Dressing
I have a preference where Danae does not wear
pants. In addition to wearing dresses or skirts, I like her to wear panties,
tights and hose - which literally flies against what most Dominants prefer. It
works for me - but may not necessarily work for anyone else.
I do not control what she wears everyday, but
when I have a preference I tell her. Such as some days all I want her to wear
is a pair of pantyhose or just a blue stain lingerie set that is very beautiful
on her. Mostly she just dresses to please me. We talked about what I like on her
and she dresses accordingly.
Each evening when I come home from work
though, she is dressed slutty for me. Before she gets ready for bed, she asks
permission to take off these articles of clothing.
My girl is not allowed to wear cotton
undergarments. I like the way satin and silk feels and so that is the only
materials she is allowed in undergarments. It is a standard for her.
My girl has an outfit that I enjoy her wearing
and she abhors. I could make it a ritual that she wears it more and that she
thank me for the privilege of wearing the outfit although she hates it. It
would humble her. And show her it is a privilege that she is allowed other
types of clothing and outfits. The mindset involved would make it a ritual
instead of a protocol.
Danae: Permissions
There are permission protocols in our
relationship. When we're together, I ask permission to go to the bathroom or
when I want a diet coke. When he is at work, I don't call him if I can go to
the bathroom, but I still call when I want a diet coke. I ask permission to
sign online, to call someone, or to lie down.
Permissions do not need to be overt - but done
in an invisible manner. Such as the one I mentioned earlier…if we're eating at
a restaurant or with family or vanilla friends, I still do not have permission
to eat until he say it's okay. Usually after my plate is served, we make eye
contact which is followed by a gentle nod which allows me to begin eating.
Other permissions we have used or have in
place are:Permission to sit on furniture or restrict the use of
furniture.Permission to go out with friends. Having curfew when going
out.Permission to leave the room or house. Master controlling the keys and my
drivers license is in his wallet.Permission to go bath and ShowerThe old
favorite…permission to use the bathroom.Permission to speak with others in a
D/s setting. Controlling protocol while at a bdsm event…such as having me in
"high protocol." That is when I am quiet, unobtrusive, and usually do
not speak until spoken too. Or having to seek permission for almost entirely
everything. It's difficult to maintain high protocol for an extended period of
time and realistically - how many phone calls does a Dominant want at work to
ask permission to go to another room, ask for a sip of water?
Again make things fit into your lifestyle -
don't force something to fit because it might have adverse affect. Dominants
think about what turns you on and what will enhance your life and make it into
a protocol. Many of these protocols are just the basic of what we have done or
do currently but Master often adds more to it or makes it very stripped down.
Such as sitting on the furniture at one time, I had to kneel before Master and
beg to sit on the furniture. Make the protocol into what turns you on and fits
in your life.
Michael: Sleep
Again sleeping rituals or protocols that we
have used or are currently using:Kneeling before entering bed - doing some
meditation before going to bed is a ritual.Asking permission to enter the bed
is a protocolHaving a bedtime is a protocolBeing chained to the bed or sleeping
in cuffs could be made into either.
Danae: Privacy
Privacy is another area controlled in our
dynamic. When property, nothing is yours anymore so to show that….taking away
privacy is a way to get that message home loud and clear.
In our household, Master does not allow me to
close doors - bathroom, bedroom and so on. Now if we had kids I am sure this
would change. And it does get modified when we have visitors also. I have
friends that don't allow their kids in their bedroom. They can stand at the
door and talk to them when the door is open, but are not allowed in the
bedroom. And when the door is closed, they are not to knock at that door unless
it is an emergency. It is explained at adult alone get away from the kid's time.
And their kids have gotten so used to that rule they just obey it without
question or arguing now. Also when my friend goes the bathroom she goes the
Master bathroom and can't close the door - no kids can look in but no doors are
closed on her Master. And it is similar here when we have company as no one can
see into our Master bathroom when Master's bedroom door is open.
I have to ask to go the bathroom and that
takes a way a sense of personal space privacy. I have to even tell my Master if
I am urinating or having a bowel movement and it most certainly is embarrassing
(still after all this time) but it does give me that knowing everything I do he
knows about - Everything I am he knows.
Some other privacy protocols we have used:
Master has all access to my emails, chat logs, all snail mail - letters,
packages, bills, personal or non-personal mail. We both admit that a lot of
people out there want to keep their privacy - which is understandable, but for
our dynamic it works to help keep the focus of I am property and he is the
Owner of said property.
Daily Schedule
This is something that ebbs and flows with us.
At times, it is loosely control and other times it is very strict. Sometimes I
am told what I will do each day. Other times I just need to inform Master what
I have on my plate that needs to get done. And yet other times he does not
worry about it my schedule at all. Again, Master changes things to meet his
needs if it is not working.
My Master had me work out a schedule for the
week on what I want to do each day of the week regards to housecleaning and He
approved it. He now knows on Tuesday I clean the kitchen and what I do to clean
the kitchen. But if I have extra projects, I have to let him know…like with the
holidays I had baking, decorating and gift-wrapping. So, I had to tell him
about those things so he could put them into my schedule. Or maybe he wanted me
to do something and thinks that is priority and has me drop something. He
controls the schedule ultimately.
Master tries to work into my schedule time for
me to meditate or journal. A journal can be helpful in talking about even just
daily events - places that were hard in the schedule, concerns and what not. It
has worked good when face to face time with Master is a premium, as he can look
the journal over to see where I am at and how things are progressing.
As schedules become more complex - it's almost
easier to plan ahead when there's an available 30 minutes in a weekday. I have
friends that take that time during the middle of the day or time when they can
send them to their grandparents to have some alone time. And sometimes
scheduling alone playtime is needed.
Scheduling is another way of holding together
structure. Making the schedule rigid can suffocate the relationship - making
the schedule too lax and that raises the question: "why have a schedule to
begin with?"
Michael: Other Rituals
Inspection time - Where I critique Danae's
appearance (i.e. whether they are to wear their hair a certain way, underwear
check, paint on her toe nails, correctly shaved.) - having her prepare for this
time is very much an intimate mindset.
Our ritual shower - Danae sits in the bottom
of the shower as I clean myself first. I, at times, urinate on her. The mindset
of getting in the shower, having the water I am cleaning myself with flood over
her is a very almost Zen like experience for her and re-enforcers her station
with me.
Urination or masturbation while in the shower
can be formed into a ritual.
Danae: Protocols and rituals are not needed to have a D/s or M/s
relationship. They just are there to enhance the relationship. Some key things
to remember when forming protocols is to be flexible, think about why you are
doing the protocol, and make it personal.
Maybe you start something and it just does not
work with your schedule bend it make it work or adopt other protocols to make
them fit into your life.
We have protocols that are in place that get
put to the way side when things are busy or when one of us is ill. Does that
mean we are not a M/s couple any more? No way. Our foundation is still there.
The dynamic we have is still there even without the protocols and rituals. So,
instead of thinking "Oh now we are not doing D/s" I knew that he
still was in control and I was still serving and pleasing.
And lastly don't let the protocols prop up
your relationship - meaning if you take away the protocols and rituals is your
D/s or M/s dynamic still there? If yes then that is great! If not then you need
to take a second look at your relationship. Build the foundation before adding
furniture to your household.
***********************************************************
In Conclusion
A Guide to a Living a D/s or M/s Relationship
Within Reality:
1. Be honest
Be honest about your wants, needs, things that
are grating on your nerves, little pieces of information about your partners
that drive you nuts. Be honest how you feel and what you are thinking. Be
respectful to each other when expressing all these honest feelings. This goes
for both dominants and subs.
2. Take things at one's own pace and moving
forward only when it feels right.
You do not need to speed through things. If
you have faith in your goals and foundation then you will get there when it is
right. And just because you are going slow does not mean you are not in a
power-exchange relationship.
3. Have great sex and great BDSM in your
relationship.
We hope you all know how to do this one. If
you are not having great sex and great BDSM, figure out why not and fix it. If
it is just not enough time, make time. If it means putting off the laundry for
an hour or taking a quickie at lunch while kids are at school, then make it
happen!
4. Do not compromise the basic structure and
dynamic.
This one, to us, is big for keeping things set
in reality. We are sons, daughters, friends, fathers, mothers, husbands, wives,
and employees. We can still have our power-exchange dynamic and be all those
things. We do not have to say, Oh, now I am vanilla and now I am doing
a power-exchange. Do not let the activities you do, such as protocols
or S&M, rule your dynamic. Let the foundation rule your dynamic. If you
make the power-exchange a part of your foundation and do not compromise that
dynamic then you can keep it set in reality.
5. Have a common commitment to the
relationship.
This is what makes power-exchange
relationships work. If you and your dominant or submissive are striving towards
the same goal with the same intensity, faith and degree of commitment, then you
will make it work within reality.
One last thing again, the goal in creating a
solid foundation is combining the dominance and submission, intertwining them
to make it your lifestyle, your life. It should be woven together so that your
daily life can be seen as a dynamic to you even in the most vanilla of
situations. However, do not complicate things by separating aspects and
activities in your life as a power-exchange or vanilla. Do not allow activities
you do define your relationship. Make your dynamic your life.
Author: Unknown
No comments:
Post a Comment